from Ellie

“The further away I get from the birth, the worse I feel. I feel like I should be getting back to “normal” but I’m not sure that normal exists anymore - I just know that the way I am now can’t go on forever. I love being a mom, my daughter is the best and most beautiful part of my life! I’ve learned about a deeper love that is absolutely terrifying and wonderful at the same time. But I feel heavy constantly, and it’s hard to find others that can relate in my life. My husband has his own struggles within parenthood, but I feel it’s hard for him to understand what I’m going through. I’m constantly overstimulated, my brain is filled to the brim with an overwhelming amount of thoughts, and yet I end the day feeling so empty. Sex? Absolutely not. I can barely muster up the energy to brush my teeth before getting into bed. Plus, childbirth was traumatizing and I can’t imagine using any of those parts for pleasure when I’m just trying to heal. I’m almost 12 months postpartum so I’m physically healed, but mentally I still feel like I just had a baby. I’m getting help, and talking to my partner more and more about these feelings. But writing them down feels good.”